Anxiety–I am losing control

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My anxiety doesn’t come from thinking about the future but from wanting to control it.

Hugh Prather

I got it all under control\’ is my watch-word. It’s what I live by. I am the organised-planner, write-a-list-perfectionist girl you’ve been looking for. It’s me, but I am anxious. Everyone can be this way. However, It’s much more different with me.
Anxiety has known me for as long as I remember, it followed me wherever I went. We grew up together, ate together and I was its loveliest companion.

Racing thoughts? Yes. That’s it. I find it hard to be calm. I\’d come with the ugliest scenarios when I only just met someone–I would replay the conversations in my head till I was satisfied; maybe asking myself if I did okay, how the other person felt when I smiled, hoping they didn’t think I laughed hard to mock them. I would wonder what that person thought about my shoes.
My anxiety reflected but not everyone saw it. No one would. How would they know?

”Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal”

Albert Camus

Checking my laptop constantly before I finally shut it down. Everything had to be intact. It was with me in my constant pulling off my hair when I try to concentrate; with me when I keep touching my nose and face when I am trying to write, to think.
You wouldn’t know till you looked closely that my anxiety was high-functioning but it’s okay because now I am letting go. I don’t have to tick off all my list before going to bed. Do I?
Maybe over-assessing, judging myself, not forgiving myself wouldn’t always work or over examining that someone that walked past; yes—I don’t have to know it all. I choose to lose control. It shouldn’t always end in—I should have known.
I am losing control, choosing to be vulnerable, that’s okay.
Maybe teaching balance correctly but still struggling with my extremes and finding rest in the middle is the problem but it’s okay.
Ohh, what about my fear of embarrassment, I skipped that. My God, I hate that so much I have to be prepared for anything, so I know how to react. I mustn’t look like a fool. No. Never. Well, Now I understand that it’s okay to not be perfect.

If we don’t risk being hurt, we cannot give unconditonal love. Unconditional love gives others the right to hurt us.

John Bevere

I used to notice everything, unintentionally. I notice that little stain on your shirt, how you’ve scratched your eye, how you winked, I studied you without opening a book unintentionally but is it okay? Can I? I am anxious.
I am intense but why don’t we cool down a bit. Ohh, I can’t sleep. I have something to search about, I need to know all the whys’. You don’t understand, I can’t stay calm, I need to understand everything.

We have to understand sometimes that this moment is enough. This place is enough. I am enough.

Sue Monk Kidd

I am strong but sometimes I can’t still let go. There’s too much going on in my brain that I get so overwhelmed without doing so much. It’s okay, I am anxious.
Now, I choose different. I am losing control.
I will see the good in me, I will see that I tried, I will see that it’s not about what they think, I would know that I need to ask for help when I can, and I can’t know everything. I would know that I need to be loved as well and not give all my love away and be empty.
Only Love can give love but what if I gave up all I saved up. I need to relax, take a break, you need to too if you are anxious or even worse, have high-functioning anxiety like I do. It’s okay, we are okay.
I choose to let go. You should too. Be anxious for nothing.

I am losing control.

5 thoughts on “Anxiety–I am losing control”

  1. It seems this wonderful piece of write up is an x-ray of me! I plan (worry) too much about the future, that I had to start forcefully telling myself that I need to live for the present, I need to savour the now and let the future take care of itself!

  2. Oluwatobi James

    I love this piece so much.
    I can relate with the extremes that you mentioned.
    I guess it is ok not to always have everything figured out or under control. Mistakes and unplanned situations are part of life and not an always an indication of failure.

  3. Totally relatable. It’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay not to have everything figured out. “Be anxious for nothing”.

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