Self-care: I took a break to cry

Self-care is what they called it. I could teach it but I failed at it.

It’s what I thought I needed when I wandered into the world of my imaginations weeks before travelling. Peace at last. I couldn\’t wait. I needed to get out of my house, my area.

I convinced myself I just needed to get far away, I would get better. But getting far from home didn\’t mean I could get myself out of that hole. I felt I was drowning in work and everything around me.

Now everyone needs a vacation but for someone who is highly sensitive and struggles with anxiety and depression from time to time; a vacation is different.I left to be refreshed, so I thought.

I usually get stressed more than the average person. I take on a little too much for myself and always get burned out before realising I am just human. Humans always need help.

I had started to get very tired during the planning of the trip, everyone in my house were all worked up. I was irritated at every little thing. The first three days of my vacation was a lot, felt like I grew worse.

I hadn\’t found time to rest. It was from one place to another. Even when I looked happy, it was short-lived. Deep inside I was fighting, it felt like someone needed to take a baggage off me.

I already began to think of what was waiting for me after vacation. I wasn\’t being mindful. I refused to enjoy what I was present in. Fear of the future was creeping in again.

I didn\’t have to take a leave to deal with myself. It wasn\’t an all in one thing that needed to be done in five days.

Self care is what I should have practiced gradually; not being a people pleaser, not filling up my lists with a little too much and getting them all done before going to bed. Not being mindful and doing every work like a chore, not taking a walk. I should have known that I was to sit with myself, to relax, to reprocess, one day at a time, not five days in three months.

“Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.”– Etty Hillesum

The vacation I needed was not the going- out-having-fun everyday one but the one with a time to reflect and a time for release. The body has needs, we can\’t always keep it quiet everytime. It would always fight back eventually.

One day, I eventually got myself in a room alone. So much to say, many things running in my mind, I screamed quietly so as not to disturb others. I cried. No one would know would they? This girl cried. This cry was forced out. This cry was needed. This cry had been waiting. I spoke to God and myself. I was okay talking as long as no one was there. I wasn\’t selfish, I needed myself.

I got better afterwards and I learnt not to do that to myself anymore. I was now able to define a vacation and the types of it. I understood myself better and what self-care actually means.

“Caring for your body, mind, and spirit is your greatest and grandest responsibility. It’s about listening to the needs of your soul and then honoring them.”

-- Kristi Ling

I hope you do realise just as I did that you are important and your soul is to; then your body too. After everything, life happens but you didn\’t just happen. Let self-care be a priority.

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